My pen is static for now. It is the silence before the storm and the calm before the calamity. I am trying beyond my moral strength to resist the urge to speak the truth to myself, the honest fair judgment of all that is and has been. My faculties have long ago analyzed the catastrophic chain of events and it is my dear, frail heart that is procrastinating. I am a very well rounded person, half intellect and half emotions. But the half and half effect leaves the nerves raw and the heart sore. The rational mind is forever at war with the emotional core and somewhere in between I endlessly suffer. I continue to love people, whom I know beyond absolute certainty, neither deserved that compassion nor desired it. Despite the sensitive spot, I remove them from my inner circle and keep them as a marginal presence in my life. It is better to cut off a dead relation than to drag the carcass along for years with regrets. Today, my pain peaks as our paths meet again and I find the simple, comical truth about us.
I am no angel but God knows I try to rise to the level of sainthood despite my weaknesses. I will not demonize anyone but I sure wish someone would measure up for a change. I know that some people are incapable of hatred and some of love. All the poetic metaphors swirl in the mind as I contemplate about the mess our relation has been reduced to. I ponder continually over the countless tangents our relationship could have gone in. I know I think too much for losses that were not only mine, while even fleeting thoughts do not cross your mind. The lives of some people are like rose bushes studded with thorns and they agonize over the smallest tribulations. And some lives are like thorn bushes blessed with roses, and these people are happy with the occasional blossom in a sea of bristles. I am the latter and I will always be grateful for this perspective from God. People who think I am pompous do not know the amount of inner resolve and courage required to smile despite the pain.
I write these lines for love lost, relationships besmeared and trust annihilated. I write in order to come to terms with all that has changed forever and no amount of goodwill or honesty will undo the metamorphosis. It is to tell myself that courage is needed dear heart to accept what one cannot change. And wisdom is required in generous proportions to move on in life without losing the goodness in one’s character. Bad people should not take away our gentleness and compassion with their misbehaviors. One needs a constant reminder that good things come to those who wait. Of all the stories ever told, evil never triumphed over good. If for the time being manipulative, deceitful cowards overshadow the selfless, sacrificing and honest people, it has to be a transient phase. One day, sooner than later, the echo of our deeds will find us. It may hurt today, but someone will come along who will comfort the broken heart and win the breached trust.
Somewhere beyond time, an Omnipotent is patiently watching and expecting us to trust Him, with eyes tightly closed and hands clasped in prayer. I remember a lesson from my convent school days that sums it all up nicely, ‘pray, work, smile’. That is all one is required to remain human and yet not hurt anyone in our lives. Of all the things that I value in my life, my capacity to pray like a child is priceless. I can still pray for people who have hurt me and forgive them with a full heart. When I ask God for a favor, I do not ask him for a lighter burden, but a strong back. It is another childhood lesson from my dear parents. The moral of the story is to gracefully conduct our everyday affairs with fortitude, humanity and humility. This is my prayer and pardon in a very difficult hour for those who have broken my wings and hindered my spiritual journey. While my pen refuses to write anything but the truth, this is the compassion despite the ugliness of the truth that I am sharing. On the steps of your Citadel, I lay all my pride, pain and glory. So, help me God to forgive those who have harmed me in thoughts, words and actions and to never become a reflection of them. Amen.