There comes a time in life when one starts assessing one’s decisions over the years. A part of our mind finds solace in the integrity and morality of our selections but a greater wisdom passes judgment on when we should have plunged in deeply and when we should have watched from dry land like everyone else around us. We are humans and when we opt to make all the right choices all the time, we have a tendency to get lost and be damned to a sainthood status. One might be going to Heavan after death but sainthood does not offer much of a life. Among many muddled thoughts, I am at a point in time where I am questioning everything about my life. I have never made a bad decision or taken off at a whim. I regret the excess of righteousness and wisdom that I have practiced in my life. And while I ponder endlessly over how I could have taken a different course in my journey, I know that I never had a choice. I am who I am. From earliest childhood memories, I watch myself as a third person observer. If a four year old kid can save her candy from school for her younger brother, she is showing her natural spirit of generosity. Unfortunately, the child who gets the free candy will never remember the sacrifice it involved. Today I am sharing one of my worst tribulations in life. The curse of selflessness.
I have been hurt time and time again by people I can die for. The worst part is my own inability to hate them or return their meanness in the same coins. I am a Type A personality and have always been able to achieve what I aim for but where my heart kneels all the wisdom in the world fails to teach me self-preservation. I have been cheated over and over again by the same people and every time my emotional attachment leaves me helpless. I am condemned to running to their aid even when I know they are only crying wolf to manipulate my love. At times I am angry and I tell myself I will never let them fool me again but even the thought of their pain makes me suffer and I can only ease my own affliction by helping them. It has become a vicious cycle and I know I must break it for my own sanity. People who do not love you cannot be taught to care if even they have blood relations to you. Unfortunately we are manipulated in worst ways only by people who know how deeply we love them. I need to learn to be selfish and self-centered once in a while.
A friend was making fun of how I seem to be a trouble magnet. I was saddened when I heard this perspective. I am a problem solver. Naturally people turn to me for their deepest concerns and seek my help and advice. I have helped friends and foes alike and kept their secrets buried deeply in my bosom. The worst part is that I take problem solving for my family and friends so seriously that after a while they forget that the trouble was never mine to begin with and when I took to tackling it head on, I did it with such dedication and commitment that everyone forgot I was helping them and not myself. I remember watching cartoons in my childhood where the protagonist is be fooled by someone and only realizes it later and feels a donkey’s head instead of his own. I have felt like that so often that I wonder if that is the actual head I carry around. I wish I could ask why kindness and gentility is considered synonymous with stupidity and cowardice. I wonder if there is a solution to such a basic personality disorder. I have the martyr syndrome and whenever trouble arrives guess who opens the door. I wanted to tell my dear friend that I am not cursed, only over blessed and excess of everything is bad.
Last but not the least is my intrinsic ability to rationalize and cajole the worst case scenario to a more palatable alternate version. I could love a madman and call him slightly eccentric. I have the tendency to see silver linings in clouds of nuclear holocaust. I have such unflinching optimism that life has to let me down and like so many people close to my heart, it never fails at that. Today, I am purging my heart and soul of all the things that make me extremely proud of who I am but hurt me immensely every day. I need to learn to step down from the pedestal and live on a human level. I need to let go of my high expectations of myself and give myself the same leeway I offer everyone else. Most importantly, I need to steer away from people who do not understand or reciprocate my love. While I write these lines I can feel the burden lifting as if just shouting at the top of your lungs somehow makes you breathe better. No science involved. I am sending out this self-analytical rhetoric into the void and all I wish to hear is that it’s okay if you don’t measure up sometime. God knows nobody else does either. I want to reach out to all those who love me and advise me off and on about how I should change my own reaction if I cannot change the people who hurt me. I hear you and this is my solemn undertaking that I take your advice to heart. And to the ones who have unanimously let me down and made a habit of it, this is the final score. I am taking charge of my life and putting an infinite distance between us if you do not change for the better. Someone who truly loves me suffers because I suffer at your hand. I am choosing that love over the love I have for you. Au revoir!