Amen

I have not written anything in a long while. There is a silence within my soul that numbs my senses. I am afraid if I start writing again, all the pain and anguish of past years will resurface. There are diabolical demons that I have laid to rest with utmost courage. If I utter a single syllable they will stir from slumber and haunt my sleepless nights. I shudder at the thought of having to face all those fears again and reminiscing people and places that I have consciously chosen to forget. Suddenly my heart feels heavy and I can barely hold my aching head on my frail shoulders. A tale of life, love, relationships, benevolence, enmity and sacrifice emerges from the dense brain fog I had conjured to console my silly heart. I desperately want to continue to believe in the beauty and purity of humanity, if even for a little while. However as providence would have it no other way, I shall break my vow of silence. My heart can no longer keep drifting and my mind will not yield. The battle between my intellect and emotions has never raged more fire than tonight. Here goes the story of nothing in particular but perhaps in all essence the hardest concoction I have ever come up with. I smile at my folly and yet I need to fling these words across the universe to come to terms with reality.

I am who I am; a magical creature who can teleport herself into another existence in the blink of an eye. No wonder I am a baby whisperer. I have the capacity to be a child at heart and the naiveté to find beauty and purity in the most despicable creatures in the world. I have always had a parallel universe of existence which very few people know about. This is the bane and the boon of my existence. I can love with not just all of my heart but exponentially with every molecule of my existence.  I can deeply love a random stranger and pass on blessings without any need for reciprocation. The very act of kindness makes me happy. I have the fervor and loyalty of a saint and can lay my life at the altar of love. I have the courage of an ancient warrior who knows no fear and impossibility vanishes before my ardent desires. My heart is made of everything that is bright, beautiful and nice but alas, I harbor a razor sharp wit to balance the scales of nature. While my heart can bend and yield like pure gold, my mind is cold as steel and knows no malleability. I can see the deception, malice and ugliness that lurk beneath the surface of people I meet and deal with. I can love them sincerely and unconditionally but I know who they are and what they are capable of becoming; while I let the emotions run wild, a part of my mind watches in silence as the familiar masks slip off. I always mourn the end of the deception but I have never been unaware of the faces that are revealed.  That in itself is an epic tragedy that often brings a sad smile to my face. I wish my mind would falter and let my heart win for a change.

While I write these words I want to feel everything for the last time. I want to remember the warmth of an embrace, the strength of a hand holding mine, the promise of a happily ever after and the absolute peace and tranquility of being loved unconditionally. I need to believe in the lie until I wake up and walk away never to look back. I always listen to my head and it is a mathematical certainty that I always will. But today for some reason I want to be proven wrong. I need to unlearn some lessons and just be surprised for once. There will always be people who will take me for granted or disrespect me because of my gentle demeanor. I will meet a multitude of false friends who will shed off like autumn leaves in times of trial and tribulation or throw a fit of jealous rage when they see me outshine them. There will be gallant knights with false facades promising love while greed fosters in their bosoms. Among all of these crowds I wish with all of my heart today that may I be blessed with a handful of honest, simple folks. I desire no games and no deception; just plain old fashioned dedication, loyalty and commitment. I want in my life people so uncomplicated and dependable that my mind never has to unravel their lies and my heart can carry on its songs of innocence without remorse. So help me God.