Me Before You

It was one of our usual rendezvous. We were sitting in my home in the living room, looking out the big box window and talking about anything under the Sun. I made chai exactly how you like it although I find that version untasteful. You prefer not to eat anything so I made sure I had no snacks on the coffee table and snuck my macadamia nut cookies under the table. The big flat screen TV was playing whatever you would not find boring and I just ravished in your company. The only difference was that this time I was having an inner conversation that you knew nothing of. You have always come and gone at your whim and I have facilitated your choices down to the decimal. It has always been about giving room to your desires and placing mine aside. Today, for the last time I indulged you and watched as you failed one test after the other. I initiated conversations that drifted into what you wanted to speak of, leaving my train of thought unfulfilled and unheard. I was partially angry at myself for teaching you to treat me so and partially astounded at my blind side to this facet of love. When we love people ardently, we forget that it is not a linear one sided relationship. The deeper our love, the less prudent we become for our own safety and sanity. I placed my head on the pink squish mellow and closed my eyes, hoping and praying that some iota of sensitivity will show itself and you will ask me if I was okay.  I counted the seconds of silence and then you said you had to be somewhere else. I smiled very sadly at the irony of your words. It was the moment of truth, no matter how painful it was for my heart. We both needed to be somewhere else and with someone else.  It was over. My final good byes are never dramatic, they are always kind and deliberately mellowed out. I do not have the level of cruelty necessary to cut off ties briskly, I just let things drift apart and slowly vanish from sight.

I am watching the raindrops on my window and feeling the wetness on my face. I am surprised it took me so many moons to learn that I have to put myself before the people I love, be it family, friends or romantic interests. My long ingrained habit of self-sacrifice must be castoff if I am ever to have a chance at happiness. I raise and nurture monsters within people I love; and when those fire breathing dragons become larger than life, I am bewildered why my hands are scorched. A part of me is honored and gratified by my capacity to love so deeply that I can lay my life for people I adore regardless if they are family, friends or the love of my life. Another part of my heart yearns for a love as ardent and as selfless to reciprocate my conviction and dedication. But there is always the silent spectator within my mind that mourns the countless unrequited relations that I carry so gracefully with a deep sense of failure. How can one be an embodiment of extreme wisdom and insanity at the same time? It is a predicament that haunts me and I am unable to pick one facet and loose the other. I have always wanted to keep the generosity and kindness of my heart as the mind may be sharp but it gives me little pleasure for my inner peace. Watching you walk away without any remorse or feeling made me change my paradigm. My heart needs to change, the mind is just fine.

With very sore eyes I write this piece as I ponder on the advice of many of my dear friends. I need to learn to salvage my own happiness and put myself before others. Nothing is good in abundance and plenty leads to poverty. I will go on a long drive today and leave my phone and messages behind. The universe will not fall apart if I take a day off. I will spend the day with myself doing everything that I need and crave for without making room for someone else. I have to learn to forgive myself for being human and having needs and desires like everyone else. I need to internalize that it is alright to step down from the pedestal and lay down the halo. The angel wings can stay folded for some time while I find myself and then hopefully find the love and benevolence that I need without seeking endorsement from anyone but myself. I am the center of my universe and I am doing no one any favor by ignoring myself. It sounds redundant but I need to say these words out loud for my own catharsis. This is my way of screaming my lungs out so I can just breathe better. No science involved. The realization that I can still have amazing chemistry with someone or love my family and friends equally deeply without loving myself less is liberating. Old habits may not change in a day but I will drive away in the sunset today listening to my favorite songs, snacking on blueberries and macadamia nut cookies and smiling for no reason at all.