The Storm Within

My soul shrieks in pain as I barely cling on to my placid demeanor. No one can see the tears I dry with immaculate perfection as I touch up my make up before I emerge from my silver Sonata Sport. I have mastered the art of deception as I smile incessantly while my heart bleeds within. A flicker of a memory, one song or image can shatter the peace and torrential teardrops follow the calm before the storm. My heels are clicking on the concrete pavement as I rush towards my office before my taffy pink dress gets drenched. Dark storm clouds are hovering overhead, and the sound of distant thunder makes me shudder. The little girl within is still afraid of lightening and thunder but the façade of bravery does not let this secret be revealed to the world. My fear of deafening thunder is far surpassed by my endless love of the monsoon season. Walking in the rain is the best remedy for an ailing soul as one can have a heartfelt conversation with the Omnipotent. The tears can fall freely and no one notices it as long as the smile does not leave the lips. Not today dear heart, I whisper under my breath as I greet my office staff warmly. I have learnt to hide my pain well with years of practice. Only the nearest and dearest ones will notice that my smile is less jocund and a mere muscular effort at best. The rest of the universe will remain blissfully unaware that today is the day you breathed your last. I close the door to my office and begin a very difficult journey all over again.

Like every year for the last two decades, my mind will relive the seventh of June. Every year the countdown to this day is unbearable. Every sip of water, every morsel that passes my lips and every word spoken oscillates between reality and memory. This is the day my childhood ended abruptly and I realized that anyone can lose everything in an instant. There are no fairy tales in life and miracles are merely figments of our imagination. Loss of a loved one is a deep-seated pain in your heart that gnaws at your soul and leaves the nerves raw with agony. Every memory comes back in slow motion and you remember fragments of reality as if your mind knows that if you ever recall the entire events together it will certainly kill you. Tragedy is not an event, it is an ongoing cascade of experiences that unfold as you grow through life. The grief chisels away at your mind and heart and with every strike you lose a part of who you used to be. Sometimes I feel the only part that I have been able to salvage is my capacity to write but even that seems to be fading away with time. I have not been able to compose a complete poem in years and those that I have written I have seldom shared. I often wonder how will I cope when my pen runs completely dry. At least for now the words start pouring out as soon as I allow the thoughts to flow.

Its an annual whimsical compulsion as I try and actively indulge in excessive work. I pull projects out of the woodworks so I can forget the pain. I work long hours and try to avoid eating much throughout the day so my body is forced to pick and choose between the more primal human needs as it fights hunger and fatigue verses the emotional rhetoric of mourning. It is a trick I have learnt over time and slowly but surely survival instincts trump over finer intellectual needs. I attempt to call upon everyone that is of any emotional value and engage in random long conversations. Sometimes the distractors keep me from too much reminiscence and at other times I fail to fool my heart. Hopefully after a very long, exhausting day I will finally eat a meal without guilt and effortlessly fall asleep from the day’s exertion on a very wet pillow. Maybe I will see you in a dream with your dear, loving smile and I will hear your gentle words and the world will be complete again. Maybe when I wake up, I will forget for a few moments that you breathe no more and be able to smile without a reason. It is a hit and miss but like clockwork every year I go through the motions until the clock strikes midnight and the countdown to another journey around the Sun begins.